You Are Not the Hero of the Story

"Empathy without accountability is a shortsighted attempt to relieve suffering."

— Anna Lembke, Dopamine Nation

A few weeks ago, 10 Costly Mistakes of Transformational Coaching, generated as large a reaction as anything I’ve written in a long time. The core thesis was simple: the biggest mistake leaders make within the "transformational leadership movement" is becoming soft, lowering standards, and failing to demand enough from their people.

This idea that transformational leadership has been confused with soft leadership didn’t just resonate with readers. It turned a planned 45-minute interview on the Hardwood Hustle Podcast with TJ Rosene and Sam Allen into a 90-minute deep dive because it got them so fired up.

There are many well-intentioned leaders today emphasizing positivity, empathy, and psychological safety. Case in point, I saw this quote on LinkedIn recently from The Leader’s Table:

"A boss will ask you to manage your stress. A leader will fix what’s causing it."

The fundamental issue with that message is that it places the responsibility on the leader while stripping away personal responsibility from the individual. Now, I certainly appreciate the follow-up post encouraging leaders to fix broken systems and address upstream causes of stress.

However, the underlying message many leaders internalize is that their people are helpless, fragile, and in need of saving. A leader’s job is not to pave the path for their people—it’s to prepare them for the journey.

A lack of accountability and a failure to challenge people to own their choices and consequences isn't helping children at home, students in school, athletes on a team, or employees in the workplace. It’s actively hurting them by taking away their agency and power.

Interestingly, I often see this imbalance play out in Christian leadership circles. While I’m not a biblical scholar or theologian, the core principle is clear: God offers grace that doesn't have to be earned; it is freely given. Many leaders fixate entirely on this aspect of giving grace.

What they forget is that while God extends grace, He does not save us from the real-world consequences of our choices.

If I “sin”, let's pretend I get horribly drunk and insult my friends and family; I can seek forgiveness the next day and receive it. Yet, God does not swoop down to instantly fix my physical, emotional, and relational fallout. The next day, I will still be hungover, embarrassed, depressed, and dealing with damaged relationships. I am not spared those consequences. I must take full responsibility for my actions to repair the damage and avoid repeating the mistake.

Too many "transformational" leaders try to intervene and save people from the natural consequences of their choices.

An Athletic Director recently shared an interesting insight with me: in Finland, a country with one of the world's top-performing educational systems, there is no direct word for "accountability." Instead, their culture emphasizes responsibility.

When we swoop in to rescue people from their stress, challenges, and consequences, we make ourselves the hero of the story. In doing so, we steal the very experiences they need to build resilience, self-worth, and character.

When transformational leadership is done right, you are not the hero. You are the guide. We are the partner who views and treats people as whole, capable, and resourceful.

—J.P. Nerbun

If you want to help your athletes have the train to win mindset, check out The Culture Captain, this book provides a 4-Level Framework for Athletes to Know Yourself, Lead Yourself, Lead Others, Lead the Team.