Episode 456: Coach the Person: The Science of Transformational Conversations | Marcia Reynolds

Episode 456: Coach the Person: The Science of Transformational Conversations | Marcia Reynolds

Podcast accessible on: iTunes | Spotify | YouTube

Most coaches think they're having conversations with their athletes. Marcia Reynolds says they're mostly just talking.

In this episode, JP Nerbun sits down with Marcia Reynolds, executive coach, neuroscience researcher, and author of Coach the Person, Not the Problem, to unpack what actually separates a transformational conversation from a lecture in disguise.

Marcia draws on decades of research and coaching around the world to explain why telling athletes what to do almost never leads to lasting change, and what happens in the brain when you coach instead. She breaks down the critical difference between coaching and mentoring, and why the moment you share your own story, you may be shutting the other person down entirely. Her three-step pre-conversation practice intention, emotional state, and acceptance give coaches a repeatable way to show up differently before a single word is spoken.

This episode is for any coach who has ever walked out of a tough conversation thinking: Why did I handle that the way I did? The answer, Marcia argues, has almost nothing to do with finding the right question. It has everything to do with presence.

If you coach athletes, lead a staff, or are navigating a difficult conversation at home, this one is for you.

TOC 3-2-1

3 QUOTES WORTH WRITING DOWN

"You have not lived their life. You can't stand in someone's shoes. That's not possible. Coach slowly. Try to see what they see through their eyes. Don't assume you know."

— Marcia Reynolds

"Information doesn't change behavior. When I work with the creative center of the brain, when I'm reflecting what they're saying, so they listen to themselves and go, I said that, I believe that... that's when insights emerge."

— Marcia Reynolds

"We make coaching way too hard. When all I'm doing is relaxing into this conversation. I'm just having a conversation with you and listening to what you're saying. I'm going to offer back what I think you said that seems most important and see what you think about it."

— Marcia Reynolds

2 QUESTIONS FOR YOUR TEAM

Q1: Before your next coaching conversation with an athlete, write down your true intention in one sentence. Are you going in to fix them or to genuinely understand them? What shifts in how you show up when you lead with honest curiosity?

Q2: Think of a recent moment where you gave an athlete advice that didn't stick. What was their experience in that conversation — and what one question could have opened the door to their own insight instead?

1 RESOURCE TO GO DEEPER

Coach the Person, Not the Problem by Marcia Reynolds

Marcia's definitive guide to reflective inquiry — a practical framework for coaches who want to activate real and lasting change by engaging the athlete's inner world rather than just the presenting behavior. A must-read for any leader who wants to move from advising to transformational coaching.

Visit covisioning.com to learn more about Marcia Reynolds

KEY TAKEAWAYS

Information Alone Does Not Change Behavior. Neuroscience is clear: the brain discards most of what it passively hears. Only content paired with emotional activation transfers to long-term memory. Marcia explains that coaching — unlike advising — engages the creative center of the brain, generating the insights that actually embed and drive sustained behavior change.

Coaching and Mentoring Are Not the Same Thing. The most common mistake coaches make is confusing the two. Mentoring says 'here is my experience.' Coaching says 'help me understand yours.' The moment you shift into your story, you become the expert — and the athlete stops thinking. Staying in coaching mode means staying curious about their experience, not your own.

Coach the Person, Not the Problem. When an athlete's recurring behavior isn't shifting, there is almost always something deeper going on. Rather than jumping to options and accountability, Marcia's approach asks coaches to get genuinely curious about the person's inner experience. 'Help me understand from your perspective why this keeps happening' is the question that opens the door.

Three Things to Set Before Any Coaching Conversation. Marcia's pre-conversation framework: (1) Clarify your intention — are you truly there for them, not to fix them? (2) Set your emotional state — curiosity and care, not frustration or judgment. (3) Practice acceptance — enter with no assumptions. These are not cognitive checkboxes; they are full-body choices that shape everything that follows.

Reflective Inquiry Beats Great Questions Every Time. Coaches who try to remember powerful questions are coaching from memory, not from presence. Marcia's core insight: reflect what you heard back to the person first. When they hear their own words, the creative brain activates and insight emerges. The question that follows is then automatic — and far more relevant.

Self-Awareness Is a Practice You Can Build. The capacity to catch your own emotional reactions — especially in high-stakes moments — is not a personality trait. It is a skill built through daily repetition. Marcia recommends setting two or three alarms throughout the day to stop and ask: What am I feeling? Why? What do I choose to feel? Done consistently, this wires the habit of self-awareness before it matters most.

ACTION ITEMS FOR LEADERS AND COACHES

AUDIT YOUR INTENTION

Before your next one-on-one with an athlete, write one sentence: 'I am going into this conversation to ___.' If the blank is 'fix them' or 'get them to change,' rewrite it. Go in genuinely to understand. Notice what shifts.

COACH SLOWLY THIS WEEK

In your next difficult conversation, resist the urge to share your experience or give advice. Ask one question, then listen completely. When they finish, reflect on what you heard before asking anything else. That is your whole job for that conversation.

BUILD THE SELF-AWARENESS HABIT

Set three alarms on your phone this week. At each one, stop and ask: What am I feeling right now? Why? What do I choose to feel? Do this daily for one week to start wiring the neural habit of emotional self-regulation.

CATCH YOUR JUDGMENT

Notice where in your body you feel judgment tighten up during conversations. The next time it happens — in the grocery store, in traffic, at practice — breathe into it and consciously return to curiosity. Practice in low-stakes moments so it is ready for high-stakes ones.