The Problem with Your High Standards

People have a tendency to assess others based on their behavior yet assess themselves based on their intentions.
—Chalmers Brothers, Language and the Pursuit of Happiness

The problem with your high standards is that they are often hidden, unseen, and unspoken.
You believe you have agreement—but you don’t.

What are your standards for reliability?
If someone shows up late to one practice, do you assess them as unreliable?
Or is it three practices? Or six?

What are your standards for commitment?
If a player misses an optional off-season training session, are they uncommitted? Or is it three sessions? Or six?

What are your standards for work ethic?
If someone takes one drill off, are they lazy? What about taking a day off?

What are your standards for attitude?
If someone complains once, do they have an attitude problem? Or is it every time something doesn’t go their way?

We all have different judgments and opinions—different assessments.

Here’s the thing about our assessments: in many ways, they reveal more about the person making the judgment than about the behavior being observed.

For example, if I judge a team member as unreliable and uncommitted because they showed up eight minutes late to the first team meeting, those judgments are mine alone. They reveal that I value punctuality highly and tend to make quick judgments. My high standard that “people should always be on time, no excuses” says more about me than it does about the team member.

Meanwhile, the team member who showed up late may not see themselves as unreliable at all. They might have every intention of being on time but were delayed by unexpected traffic, a car that wouldn’t start, or stopping to help someone in need. Their teammates might also view them differently—they might see this person as highly reliable because they consistently perform under pressure, give great effort in practice, or are always willing to help a teammate.

While the fact remains that the team member was eight minutes late, multiple assessments of the same behavior also exist. This misalignment of standards—a lack of clarity—can create significant problems over time.

Getting Clarity and Agreement on Standards

Leaders often believe that holding an early-season meeting to establish team standards or norms provides clarity. It doesn’t.

It’s impossible to set a standard for every behavior that might arise as an “issue” within your team. This doesn’t mean setting team standards is pointless—it’s just the beginning. It’s only the first conversation.

Culture is a conversation. To build clarity around “how we want to do things here,” leaders must engage in continuous discussions about observed behaviors and the assessments made about those behaviors.

Here are two ways to start those conversations:

1. Share an Observation and Ask a Curious Question
   As Walt Whitman (and Ted Lasso) said, “Be curious, not judgmental.”
   In the case of the team member who was late, you might say:
   “I noticed you came into the meeting eight minutes late today. I’m curious—what are your thoughts about that? How are you feeling about it? How do you think the team views it?”
   They might make excuses or brush it off as unimportant. Or you might learn they felt terrible about being late and need help managing their time better. Either way, this approach starts a conversation that can lead to greater clarity.
2. Share Your Assessment—As an Assessment
   Instead of expressing a harsh judgment like:
   “You were eight minutes late today. This is a big issue. We can’t rely on you if you can’t be on time,”
   try holding your assessment lightly:
   “I noticed you were eight minutes late today. At first, I had the thought that maybe you weren’t reliable. But I imagine there’s more to the story than the one I’m telling myself.”
   In this approach, you’re sharing your truth: you initially felt (and maybe still do feel) they were unreliable. It’s important to share these thoughts at times because individuals need to understand how their actions—like being late—can lead others to make assessments of them they may not want.

These are just ways to start a conversation. As you move forward, it’s important to:

1. Distinguish between the facts and your assessments (opinions/judgments).
2. Remain curious throughout the conversation.

Successful relationships and teams are built out of conversations in which we share our views and ultimately come to some mutual understanding and agreement about what we’re committed to and how we’re committed to being with each other.