Our Problem with Giving Feedback and How to Give Feedback that Promotes Learning and Growth

Recently, I facilitated a two-day offsite retreat for a CEO and his leadership team. On the second day, the team reached a pivotal moment as they discussed their own growth opportunities. Team members were asked to give each other feedback on whether they believed they were heading in the right direction with their improvement goals. As one team member requested feedback from his peers, the tension in the room was palpable. It became evident to everyone that he was blind to certain actions creating issues within the organization—and his peers were struggling to tell him. Sitting in silence, I gently reminded the group of one of our initial agreements for our work together: to speak truth with kindness.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the leader’s peers shared the feedback he needed to hear to grow. This moment was not only critical for his personal development but also a breakthrough for the team’s growth. Throughout the two days, we had been working to create a team culture where giving feedback was normalized. While other feedback had been shared, this was a significant leap forward. As organizational culture researcher Bill Torbert has said, “In study after study, one thing is more clear than anything else: a team’s excellence rests on its ability to give and receive high-quality feedback, constantly.”

The challenge with feedback is that people often struggle to give it, especially in cultures of high care. Why? There are many justifications, reasons, and excuses people use to avoid giving feedback and sharing their truth:

• “I don’t like to see people’s feelings hurt.”
• “I want to be seen as kind.”
• “I don’t want to come across as the ‘bad guy.’”
• “I’d rather preserve the relationship than risk it by giving feedback.”
• “I don’t think they’d listen or change,”
• “I’m afraid they’ll get upset and it’ll create conflict.”
• “I’m not sure I’m right or don’t feel I have enough evidence.”

Ironically, this last reason—not feeling entirely confident in your assessment—is actually a healthy mindset for giving feedback. Too often, we believe our assessments are the facts. But most feedback isn’t the definitive truth; it’s our truth, our perspective. Moreover, it’s not a terminal diagnosis. We’re simply sharing an observation that might help the other person improve if they choose to.

In this experience the leadership team learned that when feedback is given in the right way, people appreciate our courage, and trust grows. So what is the right way to give feedback? Here are three keys to providing feedback that fosters learning and growth.

1. View Feedback as a Learning Opportunity for Yourself

Rather than viewing feedback as a declaration, think of it as a dialogue. The real value in feedback lies in what happens after you share it—the post-feedback learning. Your mindset shapes what you say. Do you see the person as a problem to solve or do you see them as someone to understand? If we see people as problems and we have all the answers, we close ourselves off to learning. But in good feedback, both the receiver and the giver should be learning. Consider this question from leadership coach and author Jennifer Garvey Berger every time you give feedback: “What do I have to learn here?”

2. Ask Genuine, Open-Ended Questions

Too often, we ask questions we already think we know the answers to, leading others to feel pressured to give the “right” response. Leaders who sense that “people only tell me what I want to hear” may lack an effective feedback system and could benefit from asking more open, curious questions.

Examples of Leading Questions

• “Do you think you’re working hard enough to achieve your goals?”
• “How do you feel about your work ethic lately?”

Example of an Open, Curious Question in Context

“I’ve noticed a dip in your energy in practice. I see you’re often the last in drills and not completing every rep. I have my perspective, which I’m glad to share—but I’m most curious about how you feel about your energy and focus lately, and what ideas you have for getting back on track.”

3. Separate Facts from Judgments

While sharing feedback, hold your assessments lightly. Acknowledge the difference between factual observations (undisputable behaviors) and your interpretations. Distinguishing between “my truth” and “the truth” can reduce defensiveness and lead to more open conversations. This approach invites others to share their perspectives instead of defending their actions.

Learn More about feedback for cultivating leadership: 

Berger, Jennifer Garvey. Changing on the Job: Developing Leaders for a Complex World. Stanford Business Books, 2012.

JP Nerbun