How to Respond to Losing: A Lesson from Roger Federer

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In 2011, Roger Federer lost to Novak Djokovic in the U.S. Open for the second year in a row. Both times, he held two match points in the fifth set. For most competitors, this would be devastating. For Federer’s coach, Paul Annacone, it was no exception—he was absolutely distraught. Four hours after the match, he went to Federer’s hotel to check on him and debrief the loss.

Annacone, still shaken, found Federer laughing and playing with his kids on the floor. Confused, he asked to talk privately. Once alone, Annacone expressed his dismay, wanting to process the loss. Federer responded with surprising calm: “Yeah, I know, such a bummer! But you know, I’ve won a bunch of matches I should have never won. That stuff happens. Anyways, when’s the next tournament?”

Annacone, who had been coaching for years, was floored. How could Federer not be completely thrown off by the loss? This story reveals something every one of us should aspire to: the ability to accept the reality of losing while staying fiercely competitive and committed to the process.

The Tyranny of "OR" Thinking

When we lose, it’s tempting to think there are only two ways to respond:

• Anger and frustration—feeling miserable, blaming ourselves or others, and losing sleep.
• Apathy and complacency—giving up, disengaging, and becoming indifferent.

If you’re a competitor and forced to choose between these two options, you’ll likely pick anger and frustration every time. This is the way many winning coaches operate. It’s true, feeling losses deeply can act as a motivator.  Dan Hurley, head coach at UConn, who has led his team to back-to-back National Championships, expressed this mindset during an offseason interview with All Access:

“I think the way you are supposed to do this job is to absolutely obsess over every aspect of it until you have nothing left to give to it. And when burnout starts to come on because you are pressing that hard, then you go away and let someone else do it.”

 As I wrote in Chapter 2 of my book The Culture System,  Bill Walsh called this misery and minset “Zero Points for winning.” He was utterly miserable after losses and unhappy even after wins. This approach led to him having a breakdown and leaving coaching at the peak of the 49ers dynasty, just as Hurley admits it might for him.

But this approach comes with a cost. The list of successful coaches like Walsh who retired with regret is long. They realize they sacrificed too much peace and joy and failed to enjoy the journey all because of their inability to manage the lows of losing. Many claim it didn’t have to be that way, but they fell into the "tyranny of OR”—thinking if they weren’t miserable after a loss that they had grown complacent.

Great performers like Federer show us there’s another way. You can be a successful coach or leader without feeling every loss to the depths of your soul. Legendary coaches like John Wooden, Tony Bennett, and Brad Stevens have demonstrated a more balanced and productive response to setbacks.

Instead of spiraling into frustration or complacency, these great leaders:

• Accept reality: Losses happen, even when they feel unfair or undeserved.
• Learn and grow: They focus on what can be improved for the future.
• Stay committed: Rather than dwelling on what’s gone, they turn their attention to the next challenge.

As you coach, remember: Success doesn’t have to come at the cost of your well-being. It’s possible to lead, perform, and compete at a high level without carrying every loss as a heavy burden.

Give yourself permission to embrace a healthier response—and help your team do the same.