451: How to Work through Negative Feedback as a Coach

Podcast accessible on: iTunes | Spotify | YouTube

In this episode, Betsy, Nate, and JP dig into something every leader, coach, and human being deals with… hard feedback.

We talked about why feedback hits so personally (especially for coaches who pour their whole identity into their work), what it feels like to be blindsided by criticism, and how our nervous systems react before our rational brains even get a chance to weigh in.

Betsy opened up about how her optimism and positivity — always considered a strength — was once called out as something that could actually hold her back in her coaching work. Nate shared his ongoing “paranoia” about feedback and the fear of not knowing what’s coming. And JP got real about a turning point in 2015–2016 when hard feedback from parents, coaches, and athletes made him do the deep work he’d been avoiding.

One of my favorite moments? JP’s idea to literally rewrite a harsh email in a kinder tone before reading it, even suggesting you drop it into AI to “make it nice.” I mean… we’ve all been there with that knee jerk reaction to an email from a parent, right?

Key Takeaways

1. Feedback Feels Personal Because It Is

When your work is an extension of who you are, the way you coach, the language you use, the culture you build, feedback on that work is going to sting. That’s not weakness. That’s just what happens when you’re leading from a real place. The goal isn’t to stop feeling it; it’s to learn how to sit with it without letting it wreck you.

2. See Feedback as Information, Not a Verdict

Betsy reframed this so beautifully: feedback isn’t “true” or “untrue”… it’s information. And information is neutral. When you stop labeling it as an attack or a judgment and start treating it as data, you create space to actually learn from it. Even the brutal, badly-delivered stuff has something in it for you.

3. There’s Almost Always a Shred of Truth

Even when feedback feels totally off base, there’s usually something in there worth sitting with. The question isn’t “is this person right?” — it’s “what can I actually use here?” That shift in question changes everything.

4. How You Ask Matters as Much as How You Receive

If you want useful feedback, you have to create the conditions for it. That means setting expectations early, giving people a language and a lane for how to share it with you, and actually doing something with what they give you. Nothing kills future feedback faster than being ignored.

7. Feedback Can Give You More Conviction, Not Less

JP shared something that stuck with me: sometimes going through the hard feedback process doesn’t change your direction at all — it just makes you more certain of it. Processing criticism can be the thing that helps you double down on what you believe in. That’s not stubbornness. That’s clarity.

Impactful Quotes

Some lines from this episode that I keep coming back to:

“When I get feedback that’s challenging to hear, it immediately can feel very personal. And I’ve learned to recognize… ooh, like, shot to the heart. That was tough. And then — what is that really about?” — Betsy

“I look at feedback as a gift. It was the feedback that really helped get me across the edge. It was hard, it stung, it sucked — but it made me go, I gotta do some work. I gotta change myself.” — JP

“Feedback, when it’s done well, it’s not something you give. It’s a conversation you’re having.”

— JP (citing Jennifer Garvey-Burger)

“I don’t know what it’s like to be a teenage girl today, and I don’t know what it’s like to play for me. So if they’re willing to share ways I can be a better coach, I know they have information I can’t access on my own.” — Nate

Action Items for Leaders

Here’s your homework from this episode. Pick one. Do it this week.

• Create a feedback system before you need one. Whether it’s a mid-season check-in, a Google Form, or one-on-one exit interviews — build the structure now, not after something blows up. Let your people know from Day 1 that feedback is not only welcome, it’s expected.

• The next time you get hard feedback, ask yourself: “What is this triggering in me, and why?” Before you decide if the feedback is valid, get curious about your own reaction. That’s where the real learning starts.

• Try the rewrite exercise. Take a piece of critical feedback you’ve received (a harsh email, a survey comment, a conversation that stung) and rewrite it the way you wish it had been delivered. Then ask yourself: if I read it that way, what would I actually do with it?

• Identify your go-to feedback defense mechanism. Do you fawn and over-apologize like Nate? Do you deflect? Do you shut down? Just naming it is the first step. Awareness before action.

• The next time someone gives you hard feedback, try leading with: “Thank you. I imagine that wasn’t easy to share.” Full stop. No defending, no explaining — just that. Practice receiving before responding.

• Ask your team how they’d like to give you feedback. Seriously — just ask. “Hey, if something isn’t working for you, what’s the best way to bring it to me?” You might be surprised what they say. And you’ll learn a lot about your culture in the process.

Thanks for being part of this community. If this recap resonated with you, share it with a fellow coach who needs to hear it — and go back and listen to the full episode when you get the chance. The conversation is even richer when you hear it in their own words.